I'm Bored With Your Brand

I'm bored with everything about your brand. I'm bored with your logo, I'm bored with your public outreach, and I'm bored with the endless obsession over what your brand means to others.

In fact, if I never hear another word about your brand again, I'll sleep better at night. (And I say this as someone who works in marketing.)

Stop worrying about your brand -- and, more importantly, stop making me (and everyone else you don't really know) worry about your brand.

Just do something.

Do something amazing, innovative, world-changing. Start small but aim big. Or not; small is hard, too. Just get it right. Or try to get it right, relentlessly.

The more amazing, innovative or world-changing your actions, the more likely other people will start talking about you. And they won't be talking about your brand because you want them to; they'll be talking about your brand because they want to.

Except they won't be talking about your brand, really. They'll be talking about your actions. And actions are a lot bigger than a brand.

Image by Tambako the Jaguar.

We Need a New Water Cooler

Now that Twitter has removed a feature they claim only 2% of their users were using (and which nearly everyone I follow has been complaining about, which I guess means we ARE that 2%), something has become clear:

We need a new water cooler.

Twitter is often described as a "virtual water cooler," serving as a gathering place for people who work remotely. It's where we who don't have officemates (or who don't care to speak with the same 10 people all week long) go to bounce ideas off people half a world away, in real time, with minimal obligation or investment of attention.

But when the service terminates one of its own best reasons for existing -- the ability to stumble across other users via "fragmented conversations" (a functionality, it should be stressed, that THE USERS THEMSELVES invented) -- it becomes clear that Twitter is less concerned with serving the needs of its core users than it is with appealing to the masses. (After all, the masses bring the money; the 2% do not.)

And when the service then schedules planned downtime at noon PST on a Wednesday, those of us who rely on it for our daily conversation stream realize it's time to create a backup plan.

You wouldn't keep every document you own on one hard drive, thus stranding yourself if it crashes. So why are the bulk of our conversations contained within one service?

Seduce me, Facebook. Dazzle me, Plurk. Rise from the dead, Jaiku, and provide for us a valid alternative to the service that no one wanted until everyone had to have it.

Image by dennis.

Your Customer Is Not Your Problem

Two very different experiences this past week have taught me a lot about the value of positive customer service -- and the need to create a workplace environment that encourages and sustains it.

When Good Road Signs Go Bad

A week ago, I noticed that the five-way stoplight at the Forward and Murray Avenues intersection of Pittsburgh's Squirrel Hill neighborhood was broken. One of the light's cycles -- the side that faces traffic coming off the I-376 exit -- was lasting at least 2-3 times longer than it normally does. This is odd because that's usually NOT a high-traffic approach; it also extends the wait time for those on Murray Avenue, which results in 8-block traffic jams during rush hour.

So I contacted PennDOT, informed them of the problem (via email form), and someone wrote me back within a day to explain that traffic lights are the concern of the municipality, rather than the state. They also said they'd forward my email to the Pittsburgh traffic office -- which, I'll admit, is where I thought this story would end.

Today, I received the following email from Amanda Broadwater, P.E., Municipal Traffic Engineer for the City of Pittsburgh's Department of Public Works - Bureau of Transportation and Engineering:

Dear Mr. Kownacki,

Within the State of Pennsylvania, traffic signals are the jurisdiction of the City. Therefore, the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation forwarded your comment to us regarding the intersection of Forward and Murray in the Squirrel Hill neighborhood.

The City of Pittsburgh has identified [that] loop detectors are malfunctioning at the intersection. This type of problem happens often during wet weather. When this occurs, the maximum time allotted to the approach with the bad loop is displayed during each cycle, rather than the green time being traffic responsive. Obviously this creates greater delays on the other approaches of the intersection.

The electricians will be back on site today to try and remedy the problem. However, it may be necessary to completely replace the loop detectors. If this is the case, a timing change will be needed to ease congestion during preparation of the work. If a timing change is needed, it should be in place by mid week.

I wanted to highlight Amanda's response for two reasons:

* What speedy turnaround time from a pair of agencies that probably receives dozens (if not hundreds) of similar reports every day.

* What a thorough and understandable explanation! I would have expected a form letter saying "thanks, we'll get to it." Instead, Amanda went to the trouble of explaining the issue to me in layman's terms and then suggested a date by which the work should be completed.

On the Other Hand...

Last week, I stopped at a Wendy's just off the Hazleton, PA, exit on I-80. I've been to this Wendy's half a dozen times over the past year, because that exit is a regular pit stop on my business trips between Pittsburgh and Connecticut.

This time, I was one of the only customers in the place, and the staff of 5 or 6 seemed frustrated. Maybe it was because I was disrupting their side work, or because of something their manager may have said moments earlier. Maybe they were just having a bad day.

But when the kid gave me my order and I said "Thanks," and he just grunted at me with the body language that let me know I was his problem, not his customer, it clarified two things for me:

* There's a reason front-end workers in fast food and retail only get paid a minimum wage, and

* I need to stop eating at the Wendy's in Hazleton.

Conversely, although I disagree with their politics, I enjoy the experience of ordering food at Chick-fil-a. Why? Because their employees (at least in Pittsburgh's Waterfront location) are perpetually in good moods. Not the kind of fake smile most employee handbooks insist their cashiers sport, but the kind of jovial attitude that lets me know they enjoy working there -- and that they're happy I'm spending my money with them.

Like PennDOT and Pittsburgh's Department of Public Works, I'm not Chick-fil-a's problem. I'm their customer - and they'd like me to stay that way.

Photo by lawgeek.

Hating Twitter Is Like Hating a Hammer

There's been a lot of social media hate thrown around lately, mainly by people who hear about services like Twitter in the mainstream press and then, once they poke around a bit, reject it immediately and with much gusto.

The bitter invective comes from all sides, including Jon Stewart, Gawker, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and this amusing cartoon.

And they all miss the point.

I Would Rather Eat Live Children in a Barrel Than Use a Power Drill

Twitter, like all social media, is a tool. It can be used to entertain, to share, to self-promote, to inform or to educate. Unfortunately, casual observers rarely see the breadth of its use because the bulk of its users aim low, and use the service in inane ("OMG drinking tea cuz I'm sooooo tired lol") ways. Thus, they conclude that these are the only ways the service can be used, and they choose to decry the service (and ALL of its users) as the worst humans on the planet while simultaneously distancing themselves from anything associated with it.

Explaining to these people that Twitter has also been used to exonerate innocents from jail, unite outsiders during a tragedy and raise life-saving donations doesn't always help. If anything, it only seems to exasperate them further -- as though they wonder, "If you CAN do all that stuff with Twitter, why DOESN'T everyone?"

But asking that question is like asking why every building isn't as gorgeous as the Taj Mahal. Trust me: it isn't the hammer's fault.

Image by Being Yogendra.

If YOU'RE Not the Boss of Me... Who Is?

Last week, blogger Joyce Dierschke asked a not-quite hypothetical question: Do you censor yourself online? Her example, of whether or not she should have re-posted a link to a (biased) political video that she personally found amusing, encapsulates a question we all ask ourselves on a regular basis:

When I'm online, am I allowed to be me?

The answers to the question are (if you ask me) far too complicated, because they can only be revealed by first determining who you are AND what you believe.

Some Things to Consider About Who "You" Are:

Are you a person or an employee?

Are you a brand or an individual?

Are you more concerned about being authentic or about getting paying work?

If a potential client decided they didn't want to work with you because of something you said or did online -- essentially, because of who you are (and the judgment they believe you display) -- would you regret the action in question?

Are you using the internet for communication or self-promotion?

Is your belief system permanent, or does it evolve over time?

Would the person you are today be embarrassed or ashamed of anything you did 10, 5 or even 2 years ago?

Are you steadily advancing toward a specific goal, or are you exploring for the sake of experience?

Do you expect greater integrity from others than you do from yourself?

Does transparency trump ethics?

Forget Big Brother -- EVERYONE'S Watching

Every decision we make online is a personal decision, undertaken privately (or so it seems) yet available publicly to anyone who knows how to look for it. Classic concepts of privacy, identity and "the self" are in flux now due to the web's multiple layers of "personal branding" and anonymity. And while Jonah may have believed that God could see him even when he was inside the whale, Jonah also never had to deal with recruiters scouring his friends' Facebook accounts for all his potentially incriminating kegstand photos.

So before you start censoring (or uncensoring) yourself online, perhaps you should first figure out who YOU are... and who you answer to.

Image by amanky.

I'm a Fag

Not really, but that's beside the point, because that title was decided for me last week. [NOTE: Update at the end of this post.]

I was walking the two blocks from my apartment to the grocery store when two of the neighborhood kids -- girls between the ages of 8 and 12, I'd guess -- noticed that I was:

* wearing a light red (to them, pink) hoodie,
* carrying a recyclable grocery bag (to them, a purse) over my shoulder, and
* bouncing when I walk (which is a happy family trait)

Thus, in their eyes, I was a fag. And they let me know it.

On my way home, the older girl called out to me, and when I looked over, she -- in all the slow-motion magnitude that cinematographers use to signify a watershed moment in one's life -- flipped me off.

I decided to shrug it off, since kids are kids. But I filed it away, knowing that it would boomerang back around again, since kids are also pack animals. And it did.

Yesterday, I was walking Rufus and a gaggle of neighborhood kids -- all of them white and lower-middle-class -- were playing one someone's lawn. When I walked past, they let me know my new name ("Fag Peter") and hurled insults at me and my dog for a full two blocks, loud enough that I (and, certainly, anyone else in the neighborhood) could hear quite clearly. Again, I chose to ingore it, but it does pose a number of interesting problems:

* I now brace myself every time I leave my house, expecting to be venomously insulted by children.

* Since these kids likely know where I live (and what I drive), property damage or vandalism is not out of the question.

* Presuming that everyone else on the block heard these insults and has thus far decided to say nothing about it, I presume they don't mind the neighborhood kids slurring anyone else who walks through.

I'm Wondering How Best to Handle This

If we were all kids (or adults), I could react in an appropriate way (fistfights, reasoned discourse or litigation). If I was a kid and they were adults, I could tell my parents and get the police involved.

But as an adult being harassed by children, my options seem starkly limited. As mentioned above, their parents and neighbors don't seem to think that insulting someone is a reprimandable offense. And even if I did approach their parents, I suspect one of the following things would happen:

* It would let the kids know they were getting to me, thus fueling their desire to further harass me

* It might get the kids in trouble, thus legitimizing their anger toward me, or

* The parents might not see anything wrong with it, and accuse me of either provoking the kids or otherwise causing a needless problem.

As I See It, I Have Four Options:

* Walk Rufus on other streets, and avoid my own neighboring block at all costs (thus living as a prisoner in my own neighborhood)

* Walk everywhere with Ann (which might at least momentarily confuse the kids long enough to Google the term "fag hag")

* Confront their parents, or

* Confront the kids

Also, I should point one bit of clarification:

* Although I'm not gay, it's not the "fag" insult that bothers me. They could just as easily (and nonsensically) be calling me a cripple or a nigger. What frustrates me is that these kids are evidently growing up in a neighborhood where judging someone based on outward appearances, and then slurring them in the streets, isn't deterred.

Granted, I'm sure each of these kids will learn a lesson someday, when they display their prejudices against someone their own age -- or, as adults, against someone who doesn't mind beating the shit out of them -- but for now, I feel unnecessarily cast as the moral protagonist in some afterschool special, in which I know have to reach deep inside and find some pearl of wisdom that will make this all worthwhile for everyone involved, when really I just want to buy groceries and walk my dog in the neighborhood where I'm paying to live.

Thoughts?

3:21 PM UPDATE: While walking Rufus this afternoon, I passed by the homes where some of the kids live, and two of their parents were at work (on laptops) on their porch. I introduced myself and explained the situation to them, and we had a fruitful (I think) discussion about it.

They were upset, apologetic and, I think, embarrassed that any of this happened. One of the moms admitted that she'd heard the kids yelling something yesterday, but since their voices all blend together when they're in a pack, she couldn't make out what they were saying. They each said they'd talk with their kids, both individually and as a group, because they said their kids know that kind of behavior is wrong and they want to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Here's hoping this works out, and that we can all move forward as a neighborhood, rather than seeing an escalation in petty insults.

10 Ways to Become a Thought Leader

When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up and become an artist, a chef or (in one bout of misplaced humanism) a farmer. Today, kids grow up wanting to be social media rockstars and thought leaders. (And by "kids," I mean "thirty-five year-old desk jockeys," but I digress...)

Why the newfound passion for "thought leadership"? Because in uncertain economies, one thing still counts: influence. You may not have two dimes to rub together, but if you can convince the guy next to you that You Have Ideas, he'll probably buy you a cup of coffee just to hear you out. And that's how people without real jobs can stay alive when the depression comes.

So, without further ado, here are 10 Ways YOU Can Become a Thought Leader:

1. Get It Out There. History is littered with the corpses of people who put off sharing their big ideas because they "weren't ready yet." Do you have an idea? Share it. If it sucks, people will tell you. If it's good, people will steal it. And if it's great, people will tell you it sucks and THEN steal it. (Watch for this; it means you're on to something...)

2. Be Controversial. No one quotes the moderate, and even when they do, no one remembers what he said. If you want to be remembered, be extreme. If you want to be influential, be extreme AND easy to read. No one likes long-winded crackpots.

3. Make It All About You. Human beings have a natural tendency to cast the spotlight off themselves and onto other people, especially when they ask things like "How are you?" and "What do you think?" Be resilient. That spotlight was made for you, and the longer it's cast across your luminescent talents, the longer an opportunity the world will have to bask in the shadow of your genius. Thus, never miss an opportunity to turn any conversation into a time-worn anecdote about A Lesson You Learned (Preferably In Three Acts).

4. Start a Religion. Hey, it worked for L. Ron Hubbard and Jesus.

5. Influence the Influencers. Remember Basquiat? He was forever surrounded by low-level starmakers, but it wasn't until he literally threw himself at Andy Warhol that he got "discovered." Who's the Andy Warhol of your field? Get on that person's radar, and then don't leave -- at least not until you're bigger then he is. (Then run, because he'll probably want something.)

6. Repeat Things. This is a fast-paced world. People often completely ignore the best advice, even when it's right in front of them, because they're distracted. Or skimming. Or both. Don't let them miss out on your gems of wisdom.

7. Be Vague. If you give people a 10-step plan to upright the economy, you're a policy wank. If you tell people that "Savers Are Losers", you're a thought leader. Go with that.

8. Repeat Things. This is a fast-paced world. People often completely ignore the best advice, even when it's right in front of them, because they're distracted. Or skimming. Or both. Don't let them miss out on your gems of wisdom.

9. Be Prolific. It's not enough to have one good idea. Have dozens. Because if you're capable of being a genius once, people will expect you to be a genius in all cases. DO NOT DISAPPOINT THEM.

10. Preach Common Sense. Because life isn't all that hard, when you stop and think about it. In fact, it can be summed up pretty easily: say, think and do the things that make your life, and the lives of those around you, as fulfilling and rewarding as possible. But these days, no one actually has the time to stop and think; they need YOU to do that for them.

And they'll pay you for it.

(Photo by farlyj)

Obama Won't Get You Laid

Now that the afterglow of an Obama election victory has worn off (because in these days of 24-hour news cycles, no emotion lasts for long), the question is this:

"Now what?"

While most of the world waits breathlessly to see whom Obama appoints to his cabinet, what kind of dog his kids will choose for a new pet and which brand of toilet paper he prefers in his executive suite, I'd like to turn your gaze away from the nonstop media roar and toward your nearest reflective surface and ask, again:

"Now what?"

Barack Obama will do some great things while he's in office. He'll also do some incredibly stupid things. He'll make choices that will endear him to some and piss off others, and he'll be involved in matters and actions both great and small.

But one thing he won't do is get you laid.

Because electing Barack Obama is no longer anyone's passion -- he's already elected. Now what do you do with all of the energy and effort that was catalyzed to help this moment occur? What do you do with all of your passion, your newfound interest in politics and your increased awareness of the needs and wants of the world?

What do YOU do?

Because Barack Obama's a busy man. Sure, he's appreciative of all the work you did on his behalf, and he'll do his best to reward you by governing as fairly as his conscience dictates. But he doesn't have much time to return the favor directly, by helping YOU achieve YOUR next goal -- you know, that one on your to-do list, right below the now-scratched-out entry that says "Get My Free Starbucks."

So...

What do you WANT to do?

What do you NEED to do?

Go do it.

Because history will judge Barack Obama, but history's a long way off. In the meantime, you have bills to pay, relationships to tend to, and your own goals to achieve.

And now, after 2 years of wondering, waiting, hoping and working your ass off to help your candidate get elected, it's time to turn that energy back on your own life and solve your own problems. Overcome your own challenges. Move your own mountains.

Because America's first black president is an amazing story, but you've got a story of your own.

Start living it.

Screw the Latte; Where Are the Hand Towels?

I was at a Starbucks last night, overhearing the barista (who may have been an assistant manager) loudly discussing her method for getting into the flow of the workday. She was lamenting the ways customers can then derail her flow when they mention pesky needs like, "Oh, the washroom is out of hand towels." As she explained, when she's in "the zone," the customers need to wipe their hands on their pants and stay out of her way.

But here's what's funny about that: I don't care how well-managed or slickly-operated a cafe appears to be on the front end; if the back end is broken, it ruins my experience. And if you, as a cafe manager, can't be bothered to ensure that your customers have (for example) a pleasant washroom experience, then no amount of effort expended on the front-end facade will make up for the back-end derailment of THEIR "zone."

Generalized moral of the story: are YOU focusing on the right priorities to ensure YOUR audience is having a great experience, or are you mismanaging your time and effort, leaving your customers with shoddy memories and chapped hands?

An Audience Without A Reason to Care Is Just a Bunch of People That You Have to Clean Up After

Every three months, downtown Pittsburgh's art galleries unite for a free Friday Night gallery crawl. All the spaces are open to the public, the arts organizations mount new works and performances, and there's free food and drink for everyone who attends.

As you might imagine, people usually show up in droves for these events. And then, afterward, almost none of them come back. (At least, not until the next free event.)

Why?

Because just getting an audience in the door once isn't enough to make them want to come back on their own. You have to make the effort to get their attention, yes, but you also have to dazzle them while they're in your space AND give them a means to stay involved even after they've left.

And all of that requires a lot more effort than just handing them a mailing list.

The Fallacy of Eyeballs

At concerts, all bands love to leave mailing list sign-up sheets around the merch table. Mailing lists are useful, but getting people to admit that they want to hear more about you is only one step toward RETAINING that audience; it has nothing to do with GROWING an audience in the first place.

If all a band did was play four shows a year and then hound their mailing list to buy a CD every week, they'd have the support of very few people. So why would an arts organization -- or YOUR company -- be any different?

Give People Handles

The takeaway is the key. A band sells (or gives away) copies of its CD. Their fans play that CD for other people, and their interest in the band spreads. People start talking about that band and developing an emotional or intellectual alliance with the band's style, content and point of view.

Being a fan of the band becomes an active part of each fan's daily culture, and it becomes a natural act to share their passion for that band with others.

The organizations involved in Pittsburgh's quarterly Gallery Crawls can hand out postcards, fliers and mailing lists all they want, but they're not handing out anything people can actually take away and share. Nobody gives their friend a flier, but they will give them a CD.

So what can artists or organizations provide that would be a "CD equivalent"?

What could someone take away from your business / site that would enable them to tell another person about you, and illustrate WHY they think you're so interesting and worth getting excited about?

You Don't Know a Thing About Me

The other major stumbling block most of the Gallery Crawl organizers face is that, for many attendees, this will be the first (and only) time they'll ever walk through a gallery's or theater's doors. If they don't understand what that space is about, what kind of work it normally produces, and why its work actually matters (not to the world at large but to them, the individual visitor), they won't have a reason to come back because they won't even know why they should.

How many websites do you visit where you can't immediately figure out WHY it exists? Did the site designers provide you with sufficient answers on the About page? (Did the site designers provide an About page at all?) If not, was the site still sufficiently interesting that you cared enough to explore it on your own, or did you press the "back" button and try to find something else more obviously rewarding?

Artists face this challenge every day, and yet so few of them bother to make themselves interesting AND easily explainable. The same conundrum applies to social media. If I visit your site or download your podcast and I can't immediately understand who you are and why you're doing what you do, do you really expect me to spend my own valuable time figuring out why you matter?

If you or your organization / site / company is able to generate occasional bursts of traffic, but you never seem to actually RETAIN it, ask yourself what it is that you're NOT doing to dazzle / engage / explain yourself to them before they leave. Then, make every effort to solve that problem. Because if you don't, all you end up with are some half-eaten cheese plates and a few scribbled names on a mailing list, and neither of those are going to pay your bills.

Photo by Pete Lambert

10 Ways to Be a Social Media Asshole

You may have heard that social media is "all about the conversation." That may be true in some cases, but not all. In fact, for some people, social media is simply about finding new and interesting ways to be an asshole - it's Machiavelli's "The Prince," as applied to text boxes.

If you're finding it difficult to irritate people on a regular basis, here are ten tips you can follow to aggravate even more people - many of them strangers!

1. Insult people loudly and publicly. Bonus points if you don't know the person, but you do know enough to know that he / she / they must be horribly, horribly wrong. This will endear you to everyone else who shares your opinion, and will make you seem like a man / woman / composite persona that's not to be fucked with.

2. Leave scathing comments in public places. Nothing says "I've seriously considered your work / opinion and respectfully disagree" like personal attacks injected into one's thoughtstream.

3. Always be anonymous. Never say with public faces what's best typed hidden in private places.

4. Always ignore grammar / spelling / punctuation. Clear and legible disagreements are best left in the classroom. As a person with unbridled truth to share, you're free of the rules of class.

5. Steal other people's work. Creative Commons licenses never hold up in court, because Americans know that anything available to the public is fair game. If they didn't want you to take credit for their work, they wouldn't have made it public in the first place.

6. Talk endlessly about yourself. In a world of nearly 7 billion people, nothing is as interesting as you. Always find a way to turn topical conversations into conversations about you - especially when you don't know what people are talking about in the first place. (One great way to do this is to lead off with "Speaking of ___," and then immediately change the subject to that head cold you're not quite over.)

7. Namedrop like it's your job. Because it is. That's because people may not remember you, especially if what you're doing is redundant or unremarkable -- like, say, being a "social media expert" or "communications guru"-- but they'll damn sure remember who you had lunch with last week. (And by "had lunch," it's okay if you forget to add, "in the vicinity of," or "at the same conference as." Because even if you *didn't* technically "have lunch" with Seth Godin, he undoubtedly follows you on Twitter, so he might as well have been at your table when the server girl spilled all that water on Andrew Baron [at the next table].)

8. Pontificate loudly about why all new ideas will fail (or PHALE). And then, if they don't, take credit for their success by insisting that the creators of said idea must have taken your warnings seriously and changed their business plan.

9. Blame designers for your inability to understand their services. Because if it doesn't work exactly like Google, Flickr, MySpace or anything else you already know, it's new, and new design is bad and likely to fail (see above).

10. Make all private emails and messages public. Because if so-and-so had really meant it when they direct messaged you in confidence, or asked you to sign that non-disclosure agreement, they wouldn't have used the internet for such sensitive communications. As mentioned previously, if it's on the web -- even behind someone else's password-protected intranet firewall -- it's fair game. (The people have a right to know.)

Do you have a favorite approach that I've overlooked?

5 Things My New Puppy Is Teaching Me

Ann and I just moved apartments so we could get a dog, because our old place didn't allow pets. During the week of our move, we went to volunteer at the Animal Rescue League, where we saw an adorable black cockapoo puppy named Roo. He was in a two-dog household, but the owners decided they could only afford to keep one dog during this down economy, so Roo was given away.

After thinking it over, we decided to adopt him, even though we'd always presumed we'd adopt an adult dog from the ARL instead. It's turned out to be a great decision, because Roo -- now renamed Rufus -- is a wonderful puppy with a great attitude and a temperament that complements our lifestyle. (It'll be even better once he stops mouthing everything in sight and can be alone for longer than 5 seconds, but hey, we're all learning...)

In that vein, here are 5 Things My Puppy Is Teaching Me:

1. Being Responsible for Others Comes Naturally

My long-standing objection to having a dog was that Ann and I lead fairly active, freewheeling lifestyles. She's never sure when she'll be home from work, and I tend to zip all over the city during the day. Having a dog would require us to be home more often, stick to a schedule, and spend valuable amounts of time training him -- even moreso now for a puppy.

Despite the fact that my autonomous days have been disrupted, I find that I've almost automatically adjusted my daily routine to accommodate the dog. I'm always hyper-aware of where he is in the apartment, I strive to make sure he's content (and not chewing on something he shouldn't), and I even take faster showers (so he has less time to steal the bath mats).

It's a sobering moment when you realize you could probably add a child to the equation and still maintain your sanity AND productivity (or most of it).

2. Success Isn't Dependent on a Schedule

These days, I definitely lose time during the day due to potty walks, playtime and training. And yet, I've managed to keep up with all of my freelance work and still engage in (slightly fewer) social obligations. How?

Part of it is adjusting the schedule that had been working for me to a new one that works for all of us -- even if it does include an early AM potty walk. The other part is realizing that I *have* to get things done in the time I have available, which means I spend less time on meaningless fluff during the day and more time plowing through to-do lists while the dog is asleep. Had I not been willing or able to adapt my workday, I'd be miserable AND unproductive, while the dog would still need his potty walks.

3. Always Plan Ahead

When I do go out, I usually have to bring the dog with me, which means I need to pack everything he needs in advance. This means I need to keep everything in an orderly place, so I can grab it and get out the door with minimal hassle.

Oddly, I've found this observation is starting to trickle into my daily workflow too. For example, if a client needs a video edited differently, I find myself providing two or three versions of the change instead of just the one I like best. I find it saves time to give them choices up-front, rather than making each possible change one-at-a-time and slowing the review process to a grinding halt.

4. Cleanliness Is Crucial

Puppies will eat almost anything, so we have to keep our floors clean of debris - food, trash, shoes, fabric, etc. Fortunately, we were already clean people, so this isn't an issue -- although you never realize how messy or disorganized you are until you notice how many things you've naturally left laying around for your dog to get into. (Couch cover pull-strings, anyone?)

A clean apartment also helps me notice when something is out of place or missing -- and helps me discern whether this was something Ann moved, or something Rufus moved. (One of those causes is preferable to the other, because it means I may need to do a mouth sweep to pry loose some plaster / caulking / sandal straps...)

5. Never Stop Adapting

Since we moved apartments, we're also still in the unpacking stages, which means our place looks slightly different almost every day. That's something both Rufus and we are adapting to, as we collectively decide where the best "home" for everything will be. Sometimes what works best for us humans turns out to be a bad idea when the dog is involved -- like noticing his habit of eating through the cell phone charger when it's (conveniently) left plugged in.

Likewise, every day has been a cavalcade of new experiences for Rufus. We don't want him to get mired in a routine that robs him of interest in new places / people / experiences, so we try to introduce him to someone or something new several times a day. This, in addition to traditional training and play, keeps him active and alert, and ensures that he'll always be open to new people and ideas.

How many of us can say the same thing for ourselves?

When Good Taglines Go Bad

One of my favorite corporate taglines comes from Rite Aid, whose receipts issue their coda: "With us, it's personal."

I'm sure this is a tagline that the corporate decision-makers looked at and said, "Now *there's* a message that lets the customer know we care about them." And maybe some people actually get that when they see this slogan. But for me, the stark bluntness of that statement comes across as something menacing; a vague threat that lets you know exactly where you stand, should you decide to create problems for them (like asking for a price check on that pack of gum).

With a little digging, I was able to unearth a few of Rite Aid's rejected taglines, including:

* "Rite Aid: We know what you did."

* "Rite Aid: Don't make me come down there."

* "Rite Aid: You think we're kidding?"

* "Rite Aid: We'll come for you in the night."

* "Rite Aid: Lock your doors."

* "Rite Aid: Revenge is a dish best served in aisle five."

* "Rite Aid: We fucked your mom."

The moral? When choosing a tagline for your business / website / screenplay / business card / missed connection on Craigslist, make sure you analyze it from all angles -- not just how you intend for it to be understood, but how others *could* understand it.

Also: don't shoplift at Rite Aid. They know people.

Who Are You Trying to Impress?

Last night, I saw Harmony Korine's Mister Lonely at the Harris Theater. Afterward, Pittsburgh Filmmakers and the Pittsburgh Downtown Partnership offered free food and drink, intended to spark a post-film discussion among the strangers in attendance. (This is supposed to be a good thing.)

Unfortunately, strangers, bound solely by the shared experience of having just seen the same movie, have nothing else in common yet (that they know of). Result? Out comes the posturing, the pomposity and the need to impress one another with armchair film school dissections of "symbols" and "meaning." (I nearly choked on my stuffed grape leaf -- catered by the inimitable Affogato -- when someone posed the [rhetorical?] question: "Was the pastoral violated?")

In the end, I doubt any friendships were forged from this discussion, but I suspect more than a few people went home worrying, "Did everybody else think I was smart enough?"

Anatomy of a Conversation

When we're thrown together in a pseudo-social situation, the quaint tradition of "breaking the ice" often gives way to the more aggressive method of preening like alpha males / females, meant to establish a social hierarchy we can all understand (and find -- or reject -- our place in).

In every social situation, there seems to be at least one of the following:

* The conversation driver
* The friends of the conversation driver
* The people who WANT to be friends with the conversation driver
* The people who DISAGREE with the conversation driver
* The dropouts who eat the free food and make snide comments in the background

(Hint: this last group is almost always the most interesting group, due possibly to the fact that they're coincidentally the most impossible to actually meet.)

This conversation rarely has the opportunity to become inclusive because it automatically becomes a pitched battle between two (or more) speakers vying to establish that their opinion is the "right" one (at least for the duration of this situation).

If that's the case, why bother speaking at all, if the only reason to get involved is to try and out-shout the opposition? Wouldn't a lot more be accomplished -- and more bonds between conversationalists be created -- if we all agreed that the perfunctory building of these walls was a waste of time?

Your Comfortability Makes Me Uncomfortable

Not everyone is so eager to let their wall down. Some people enjoy that distance because it keeps them from getting too attached, or seeming like they're too interested, or too available. They need to impress others before they can take their wall down, and convince themselves that they have "the upper hand" in the conversation.

If you see this type of behavior encroaching on your social interactions, whether online or in person, why not try one of the following:

* Agree to Disagree. Table the contentious issue for the moment, and then actively find a point on which each side can agree. Knowing that each side's disagreement stems from a common starting point can reduce the sense of "The Other" that often fuels the need to establish conversational dominance, and instead replaces it with a simple curiosity about how each side arrived where it is now.

* Agree... For Now. Maybe you still disagree with the other person(s), but you're astute enough to realize that endlessly arguing about details isn't going to move the conversation forward to a deeper, more engaging state. So agree with the other side, for now. Admit that you may not have all the facts, or that the other person might (gasp) actually be "right." A concession isn't a defeat; it's simply a way to pause the invective, which can disarm a conversational "opponent" and provide an opportunity to move the conversation ahead to new topics.

(PS: If you temporarily agree with someone else, you owe it to yourself to follow up afterward and see if their argument actually does hold water. You may be surprised to find it does.)

* Volunteer to Be the Underdog. Often, contentious conversations are all about establishing a social pecking order. The other side doesn't even care if they're right or wrong, so much as they desire to be seen as the dominant voice in the conversation. In that case, let them be it. NOT needing to appear "perfect" can immediately nullify the race to build artifice, and win you some subconscious respect in the process. Suddenly, the race to build higher walls is replaced by the race to dig deeper moats, inviting more and more people to get closer, and closing the gap of The Other that makes getting to meet new people -- and caring about them -- so damn hard in the first place.

This doesn't mean you need to divulge a laundry list of All The Horrible Shit That's Ever Happened to You. No one loves a self-flagellator, but everyone appreciates a person who can honorably assess his/her own shortcomings, even as they're content in their strengths. That's called "being a real person," and it's a much better way to create a meaningful conversation than endless ideological pissing contests.

(And, for the record: no, the pastoral was not disturbed, because there was no pastoral in the first place. But Samantha Morton does one hell of a good American accent, and those stuffed grape leaves were fabulous. I would have mentioned that during the post-film discussion, but I was too busy eating the free food and making snide comments in the background.)

The Importance of Getting Paid

When you're a freelancer, NOTHING is more important than getting paid. Not finding new leads, not meeting your deadlines, not exceeding client expectations -- NONE of that compares to making sure there's money in your pocket and your bills are paid on time.

Over the past 3 years, I've learned that the act of physically getting paid by clients is much harder than it should be. Some of this is due to clients moving slowly -- after all, no one wants you to get paid more than YOU do -- but most of the trouble I've had getting paid stems from complications that I can improve on my own... and now, so can you.

5 Ways to Make Sure You, the Freelancer, Get Paid

1) Request half your fee up front.

Depending on the specifics of your freelance gig, a job you begin in February may not pay you until June. After all, it can take weeks to assemble all of the related materials, weeks more to complete the work itself, and then weeks (or months) of reviews until the client decides the work is complete.

And all that time, you're working but not getting paid.

Brand new clients should expect to pay you half up front for new contracts. Longtime clients may be more flexible, and agree to pay in increments as milestones of a project (initial plan, mock-ups, each review round, etc.) are reached. But if a client is reluctant to pay even a portion of your fee up front, you need to decide if you can complete the job while not seeing a penny for 3 or 4 months. (Odds are, unless you have a massive nest egg built up, you can't; rent doesn't give you a 4 month reprieve.)

2) Never presume an invoice has been processed.

Most clients are quick to respond when they receive an invoice. Their confirmation that the invoice will be entering the accounting system helps us sleep at night, knowing we can expect to be paid within the agreed-upon turnaround time.

Recently, one of my clients claimed to have not received an invoice. When I called their accounting department to clarify, the resulting wild goose chase included, among other proposed solutions, faxing a copy of the overdue invoice to a specific accounting employee -- who, it turned out, didn't actually exist(!)...

If a client doesn't confirm receipt of an invoice, call to verify it's been received. Be pleasant but, if you're not getting an affirmative answer, be persistent -- at that stage, nothing is more important than ensuring that your invoice is processed as swiftly as possible. Remember, it's not the client's job to make sure you get paid; it's yours.

3) Make friends within the company, to help when Accounting falls behind.

If you're good at what you do, it's hard not to make friends within your client company. Keep in touch with these people, even when they're not directly involved in your current projects, because you never know when you may need to ask them for help after the impersonal folks in accounting can't find last month's invoice...

4) Be consistent in your invoicing procedures.

Most clients have one specific procedure that they request you follow when submitting invoices. This helps them avoid overlooking an invoice, which could trigger late fees if they don't pay on time. It also protects you in case you need to prove that an invoice was submitted properly, so any dispute can't be blamed on your inability to follow directions.

I recently attached a client's invoice in an email in which I also answered a client's question. Upon receipt, the client replied to follow up on my answer, resulting in a longer email conversation. Unfortunately, the client didn't notice the invoice was also attached, which resulted in that invoice not getting paid until I noticed it was overdue. In this case, simply sending two different emails (one delivering the invoice, one answering the client's question) could have saved me an additional 30 days of waiting to get paid -- since, in this case, the client wasn't wrong for not noticing the invoice because I'd diverged from standard procedure.

5) Deposit your cash immediately.

This might seem obvious, but it's amazing how often checks can languish, awaiting deposit in your account. Maybe you think it's more important to meet today's deadline, or maybe it's more convenient to deposit that check tomorrow when you're running other errands.

Wrong.

NOTHING is more important than getting paid -- and that includes the physcial act of depositing that money in your bank account.

This step is doubly important if your bank (like mine) places additional holds on out-of-state checks. In my case, when a non-Pennsylvania client pays me, it takes an extra week to actually receive that money because my bank holds that check for 5 business days. Add in the time it takes for the check to physically travel from my client's desk to mine -- up to 5 days, depending on when and where it's mailed -- and that's over 10 days between the time a client thinks they're paying me and the time I can actually apply that money to bills. (So when that check comes in, the last thing I can afford to do is "get to it tomorrow"...)

REMEMBER: When it comes to freelance work, NOTHING is more important than getting paid. If you keep your bank account full (or at least "not empty"), you'll survive long enough to acquire more clients, get higher-paying work, and (if you're really good at what you do) build a nest egg that will make each of these "get paid now" steps a little less harrowing.

Do you have any tips for getting paid? Add them to the comments below!

Spiders, Starfish and Central Command

Bureaucratic as it may be, a certain truth made itself apparent to me today:

When working with large groups of people, make sure everyone is on the same page.

All for One and One for All

The Spider and the Starfish is a book that touts the adaptability of "leaderless organizations." It was a big success because people love the idea that they can work freely, without having to answer to 100 bosses.

Of course, they still have to answer to at least one...

Even a Starfish Has a Head (Sort Of)

Here in Pittsburgh, several dozen of us are working to bring PodCamp Pittsburgh 3 to life in October. While I love seeing so many passionate people dedicated to the same common goal, the downside is, sometimes we move too fast for our own good.

Today, we launched registration for the event... only for one of our co-organizers to notice that we hadn't actually worked out one of the financial details. As such, we had to halt all registration until that detail is worked out -- a situation that may require getting up to 10 people together in the same room (or on the same conference call), just to make sure something we *think* we all agree on is something we actually do agree on.

So, ironically, having *more* volunteers than we've ever had before is actually slowing down the entire planning process because we've now realized we don't have those top-down approval procedures in place. Of course, once we do, life gets better -- so, in light of that concept, here are...

3 Tips for Working with LOTS of People

1) Know Who's in Charge of Whom.

Sooner or later, everyone has to answer to someone. Knowing who you have to answer to, and procuring their approval (or working out any discrepancies) early on, saves you the worry of wondering if you're on the right track.

2) Talk Regularly.

There's nothing more frustrating (for both sides) than nearing completion on a project, only to find out that you're doing it wrong. If you need approval, get it. If you have questions, ask them. Don't presume that something being "almost done" is a license to do it incorrectly.

Likewise, don't keep people waiting for your approval. Delegation only works when the people expected to carry out the work know that they actually *can*.

3) Keep it Simple.

No one needs to open their inbox and find 100 emails, only 90 of which actually pertain to them. If you need approval on a dozen aspects of your project, sum them up in one email or phone call and direct it to the appropriate person(s).

Presumably, this means you'll need to work out the specifics of your project as early in the process as possible. The more actions that can be auto-approved (because they meet pre-approved standards), the faster that work can get done -- and the more time everyone saves.

Do you have any more tips that have worked for you in the past? Leave them in the comments below.

Five Ways You Know You're NOT a Social Media Expert

Following up on my previous post about what constitutes expert-dom, let me add a further thought:

YOU are not an expert.

Lately, I have been inundated with Twitter requests from people claiming to be "social media experts" or "marketing experts" or "business experts."

Let me tell you something: if I've never heard of you, you are not an expert.

I can name the people I consider "experts" in most fields on one hand. Thus, if 200 of you are claiming to be "social media experts," at least 195 of you are lying.

While we're at it, here are...

Five More Ways You Know You're NOT a "Social Media Expert"

1. You don't have a blog.

2. The only people you interface with are "fellow A-Listers."

3. You spend more than 10 minutes a day on MySpace. (This includes MySpace employees.)

4. You can't explain what you actually DO in under 25 words.

5. You still need a day job.

What Makes a Social Media "Expert"?

Chris Brogan has just announced he's devoting his next 100 posts to providing social media tips for the rest of us. Chris usually has good ideas and common sense insights, so he should be able to provide a useful lantern for those people still crawling around in the darkness.

Announcements like this do lead me to wonder, though:

What Really Defines Someone as an "Expert" in Social Media?

Consider that social media is a hodge-podge of:

* Content creation across multiple media (text, audio, images)

* Managing interpersonal communication across multiple platforms, and

* Engaging one's audience in meaningful ways...

... it could therefore be argued that "social media" is really just "(the new) basic communication."

Why be Spoon-Fed Common Sense?

There's nothing involved in social media that isn't already obvious to the average person. There's nothing awe-inspiring about aggregating followers, spreading a message or spurring individuals to action. We like to think there is but, truth be told, humans have been doing that since the Stone Age.

And, in that sense: what makes one of us more of an "expert" at communicating than others?

Is it the amount of MONEY a person makes from communicating?

Is it the size of one's LEGION of followers?

Is it the POWER one wields as a by-product of communicating?

A Disclaimer

By the way: this isn't an attack on Chris or anyone else. For example, I consider Chris Brogan to know more about communication than most people. In my estimation, he is a communication expert -- but what numbers validate that claim in black and white?

What are the metrics for being an "expert" at communicating?

Give the Gift of Sanity This Christmas

Christopher S. Penn posted a great holiday gift-giving guide over at his Financial Aid Podcast -- one that has nothing to do with fashion, technology or Elmo and everything to do with honesty, compassion and common sense.

(Plus, it includes a section on Gifts You Can Give Yourself!)

You can download the file here, but you'll have to go here to thank Chris.

What Good Are Consultants?

You have a company. You have a budget. You have employees.

Why do you need consultants?

I believe there are two specific cases when companies should look to outside consultants to help them solve problems. I also believe there are NUMEROUS times that companies squander consultancy cash when it could be better spent internally. (And, as a sometimes-consultant, I'm well aware that I "tie my own noose" as I write this.)

When You Need a Consultant

1) Your company wants to do something it doesn't know how to do, and the influence of an outside consultancy will be more likely to convince internal employees that the new direction is valid.

Example: You want to integrate social media solutions into your existing PR workflow. Your existing PR employee(s) believe the status quo is acceptable and don't want to innovate. Thus, turning to a third party consultancy and asking them to help establish the new mandate will create a sense of obligation among your existing PR staff, rather than laboring under the guise of an internal suggestion that can be sloughed off without repercussions.

(Note: By doing this, you also run the risk of alienating your existing staff, which is why it's often better to take this action AFTER internal discussion. See below.)

2) Your company needs to drastically overhaul its existing direction / workflow, and internal employees are part of the problem.

Example: Production and sales are down, and you need to upright the ship before you're dragged under. Relying upon the staff that's drilling holes in the stern isn't likely to solve the problem, so turning to an outside consultant will help provide you with a clearer, objective, picture of the problem and possible solutions.

When You MAY NOT Need a Consultant

1) Your company wants to try new things that are within the same sphere of expertise as existing, open-minded employees.

Example: As above, you want to integrate social media solutions into your existing workflow. If your internal PR staff is open to the idea, relying on them to lead the movement is usually far preferable to jettisoning them (and their loyalty) in favor of the expertise of strangers.

However, a consultant may still be very helpful in instructing your eager employees in how to do what they'd like to do extremely well.

2) Your company has problems in certain areas that could be repaired by improved communication.

Never underestimate the likelihood that the root cause of your company's problems lies in your employees inability to understand each other in the first place. (Note: You're an employee too.)

3) Your company is outmoded in some areas, but the existing employees could be more useful if their skills and time were applied in new directions.

Why keep wasting your employees' time at a soul-crushing aspect of their jobs when they could be better deployed on new tasks that will help your company gain traction / market share / momentum by charting a new direction?

Even worse: why bring in outsiders' opinions to make your already-frustrated employees feel even MORE marginalized?

Again, consultants can be valuable here in helping guide reassigned employees, but that's a solution that presumes you value your employees (and their loyalty) enough to want to help them improve their current situations (and, therefore, the company as a whole). Assigning them a taskmaster without explaining WHY this change is for the better only breeds resentment and crushes morale.

What Does This Mean for Consultants?

Technically, nothing. Consultants are entitled to gain work anywhere they can find it, and if a company is soulless enough to turn to you for assistance at the expense of the existing employees who are already providing worthwhile feedback, that paycheck is yours to cash.

But consider this:

Why would you want to consult for a company that ignores the advice of the people it already employs? Do you really need your expertise to be validated by the clueless?

Wouldn't you rather work with a company that understands the humane way to integrate your ideas within its existing culture?

So my advice to discerning consultants is: Feel free to take any job offer that comes down the pike, but you're well within your rights to inquire as to whether your potential "partner" has already harvested the insight of its his / her available (and, likely, willing) workforce.